By
Reuben Abati
“Happy New Year, my brother”
“What do you mean happy
new year, more than two weeks into the New Year. Have I not been in touch with
you since January 1?”
“But for you the New Year
has just started. Your January 1 was not on January 1”
“Looks like you have
started taking something. I must inform your wife.”
“I say Happy New Year to
you.”
“Okay, same to you.”
“You think I don’t know
what you have been going through? Your wife told me you have not been yourself
since those Mavrodi Mundia Moneybox people suspended their scheme. She specifically
asked me to keep an eye on you. But we
thank God the MMM is back, 24 hours earlier than they promised. Now, you can get your money back.”
“My brother, it is a
lo-n-g story. This MMM thing has become a case of the more you hear, the less
you understand. And to think I invested my children’s education savings.
Everything.”
“What is the problem
again? I hear you can get your money back, and MMM says they are ready to
change the world.”
“I don’t know about
changing the world, but let them change my sadness to joy by just returning my
money, but now they say they can only pay a small amount per day and that those
who invested big money like me should wait.”
“How much did you invest?”
“If I tell you the figure,
you will know that the year is not new at all.”
“Tell me.”
“So you can go and tell
your wife and your wife can tell my wife and the three of you can tell
everybody. I just pray MMM does not mess me up, otherwise all of you won’t have
anything to gossip about when you start looking for a casket.”
“Is it that bad? Please don’t let it get to that stage. But I
can assure you, if they mess you up, I will sue the hell out of them. I will
get lawyers and sue them to court.”
“You will defend my rights
after I am dead? Now, I see you are a very good friend indeed.”
“I am just trying to help.
I almost invested in the MMM myself.”
“Let me ask you
something. What is a bitcoin?”
“Not too sure.”
“MMM says they will pay
with bitcoins. I invested with Naira. They say they will pay me with coins, not
with dollars, but coins. Ore mi, gba mi. Se kinni yi o ti fe di one chance
bayi? And yet they are saying they want to change my world. Government should
intervene and monitor the whole thing.”
“I won’t consider MMM the
business of government.”
“Everything that has to do
with the welfare of a citizen is the business of government.”
“If you decide to go and
invest your money with money-doublers, why should government be bothered?”
“Government cannot allow
anybody to spread frustration in any form. MMM should give me my money, not
coins.”
“By the way, we should
find out what a bitcoin is? We learn everyday.”
“I didn’t invest for
research purposes. I invested for profit purposes.”
“But suppose the bitcoin
is even better than the Naira. Somebody told me that bitcoin is a cryptocurrency,
although he didn’t quite explain.”
“Ha. I am in trouble. So,
I now have to carry dictionary over this MMM matter. Even a crypto something is
now better than the Naira. God, pity your servants!”
“Just calm down. We have enough people dying everyday. Don’t
join the list. I am sure everything will be sorted out. While you are killing
yourself over MMM, are you aware that some Nigerians are already investing in
another Ponzi scheme?”
“What is that one?”
“It is called Swissgolden.
They offer gold or cash profit.”
“I don’t want to hear
about it. And you say government should not get involved? We are almost
becoming a nation of desperate money-doublers.”
“Government should worry
about more serious things, except of course someone sets out to commit a
crime.”
“Nothing can be more
serious.”
“Like the Southern Kaduna
killings, for example”
“That is sad. Ethnic and
religious violence has been a source of threat to Nigeria’s corporate
existence. We need to build a nation first.”
“The Catholic Church says
the casualty figure in Southern Kaduna so far is about 808. Over 1, 422 houses, 16 churches, 19 shops and
one primary school have been destroyed.
The challenge is how to prevent these things.”
“Too much politics in
everything and that is why ordinary things become big things and so much
tragedy is invited. Government must be pro-active.”
“That’s like saying
nothing. I have heard that cliché too many times. The root of our national
crisis is much deeper. Oftentimes the people themselves are the problem.”
“I hear in the Niger
Delta, the people are also threatening to resume hostilities, shut down oil
installations and destroy NDDC projects.”
“It is not the people. It
is the Niger Delta Avengers (NDA) with their ‘Operation Walls of Jericho’ and
the Niger Delta Revolutionary Crusaders (NDRC).
Vice President Yemi Osinbajo has led a delegation to go and talk to
them, particularly the Pan-Niger Delta Forum (PANDEF). I think the resort to dialogue is wise.”
“I’ll like to see that too
in Southern Kaduna, coming from the highest levels and I like the fact that the
Federal Government is talking to the Bring Back our Girls Group and that for
once they are willing to listen. Before May 2015, that group never wanted to
listen to government. Now they are in Sambisa Forest.”
“I call it the BBOG
Journey to the Sambisa Forest of a Thousand Daemons. When you go to a forest
like that, you will have stories to tell.”
“I like the strategy. Get
the protesters to help government sell its own story. Quite clever.”
“What if the strategy
back-fires?”
“Oh, come on. It won’t.”
“You are always cynical.
Thank God you are not in Tanzania where media cynicism of any sort is now a
crime.”
“Under President John
Magufuli, the bulldozer? Everyone has been praising him for fighting corruption
and administrative opaqueness.”
“Magufuli is now
bulldozing the media and free speech. Just the other day, he threatened
Tanzanian journalists. According to him: ‘We will not allow Tanzania to be a
dumping yard for inciting content. This will not happen under my
administration”
“What?”
“They now have in
Tanzania, The Media Services Act of 2016 which gives government officials the
powers to shut down media houses and seize their printing machines.”
“That is even worse that
that Nigerian Decree. Decree… Decree….”
“It is not from my mouth
you will hear that one. Just be careful. Magufuli’s position is that
journalists provoked him with their inciting content.”
“What is it with our
leaders in Africa? In other words, Magufuli is saying he is a constituted
authority.”
“Not a…he is the
constituted authority.”
“One of these days, he too
will just say, “Bring that boy here…Leave him…Who do you think you are talking
to…I am the constituted authority.”
“You are quoting someone
else now, not Magufuli.”
“African leaders sound
alike when it comes to the use and abuse of power. You are right, I am quoting
the Governor of Oyo State, Nigeria, Governor Abiola Ajimobi. Students of Ladoke
Akintola University of Technology (LAUTECH) provoked him. They had the temerity
to remind him that their school had been shut down for eight months. The
Governor was so irritated, he sounded as if the students were disturbing him.
“The students were rude.
Nigerian students don’t respect constituted authority. They don’t know how to
address power.”
“Which authority? Is that
why they should be tongue-lashed and shot at by the police?”
“I know the Governor. One of the students must have said something
nasty to him. I got that much from his
daughter’s alleged reaction.”
“Who is that?”
“The Governor’s daughter
defending her dad.”
“What does she know about
a university being shut down for eight months and students having to stay at
home because government is suffering from a disease called lack of funds. This
democracy sha.”
“Don’t worry yourself. It
is not an African thing. In the United States, the President-elect’s daughter
is going to be very powerful in his in-coming government. Her husband, Jared
Kushner is already warming up to play a major role, and his only qualification
for the job according to the father-in-law is that he is a good lad and a
natural talent”
“That Donald Trump. He
should stop disturbing everyone with his reckless comments.”
“I pray he doesn’t cause a
Third World War.”
“With the way he has been
provoking China.”
“Everything is under
negotiation including One China”, says Trump.
“Nobody can negotiate
that,” says China.
“And Trump picks up his
phone and makes a long-distance call to the President of Taiwan, and China says
that is a terrible insult”
“Trump definitely thinks
his trip to the White House is one of his ‘You’re fired’ episodes. He is busy
burning bridges.”
“Meanwhile, in Nicaragua…”
“What’s happening in
Nicaragua?”
“The President has just
been sworn in for a third term in office, with his wife as his
Vice-President! A husband and wife
Presidency”
“You think that can happen
in Nigeria?”
“You are not aware that in
some states in Nigeria, family members are the ones who run the government?”
“Which state?”
“Go and find out for
yourself?”
“So, how is our friend,
Jim Obazee of the Financial Reporting Council (FRCN)?
“He broke the law”
“He was trying to enforce
the law”
“He broke the law of the
Psalms. Psalm 105: 15 – “do not touch my anointed ones/And do my prophets no
harm.” He wanted to use a Governance Code to force men of God to observe term
limits.”
“You are missing the
point.”
“And to think he would
start implementing the Code from his own church, where he is a pastor, with
Daddy G.O. of the Redeemed Church. So he
means charity begins at home.”
“You don’t get it. Are you
recommending nepotism? The whole point of the Code is that when religious
groups become business entities, they must pay taxes and respect corporate
governance rules.”
“Nigeria is a secular
state. Government should not dabble into religious matters.”
“But government can dabble
into the matter of El-Zakzaky and his movement. I beg.”
“The Bible says…”
“Yes, I know what the
Bible says. Don’t bother.”
“We should pray for the
people of Gambia and the President-elect Adama Barrow who is supposed to be
inaugurated as President on January 19. Yahya Jammeh is still insisting he will
not step down. The people are already
fleeing the country, Ministers and other government appointees have resigned,
the whole world is angry, but Jammeh is sitting tight.
“You know something?”
“What?”
“In the midst of all this,
while Adama Barrow is in exile in Senegal waiting for January 19, his
eight-year old son was bitten by a dog last Sunday. He was rushed to the hospital. The boy died.
“Oh. Oh, Africa.”
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